Tuesday, April 27, 2010

That Feeling Inside

There are times when I think I must be crazy. I am sitting here writing my first post on the doormat, with a cigarette in one hand and my laptop on my knee, analyzing why I really want to do this. Nursing is not a quick easy option, with three years of uni ahead and the prospect of living and supporting my 6 year old son on a pension I want to make sure that this is what I really want, so although the decision has been made, I have been doing a lot of soul searching. I've read books and blogs, spoken to other nurses and generally tried to paint the bleakest picture of the profession in my mind in order to figure out my motivation, but none of that really seems to be getting me anywhere. Basically I want to be a nurse because I've always wanted to be a nurse. You would have received the same answer from me at the age of 6. The dream became, in my mind, unachievable due to my educational shortcomings (not all of my own making either) and was given up on at the age of about 18, but now at the age of 36 I am reviving the dream. So just as I have come to the realization that I don't need to have 10 reasons listed in bullet form to follow a dream, a funny thing happened, as funny things tend to in my life. I believe greatly in synchronicity. I will be pondering something or questioning myself and then something will happen or someone will pop into my day with exactly the right words and there is my answer. Sometimes these things are quite obscure but sometimes they are blatant. Well tonight was one of those laugh out loud blatant reminders. There are several things that really get my heart pounding, ambulances have always been one, but the most recent addition is what my son calls 'the rescue helicopter' and I just call 'that damn chopper'. It is not something we see all that often here but it comes to airlift those who are in need of services our small country hospital cannot provide when those services are needed in a hurry. When it comes in at night that dull chopper thudding seems to reverberate through me before I can actually hear it. So here I am sitting on the doorstep with the laptop on my knee pondering the big question, WHY, when right on queue I hear that noise way off in the distance and as it flys over to land at the airport I have my answer. Because of that feeling inside! I may never be able to explain that feeling, but it is the one that causes me to do things for others without thinking. That need to help. Do I need a better reason? It's just who I am.

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