The Rant

As a recently separated woman in a small town it is unreasonable to expect not to see the abusive ex, but I'm finding that it is very achievable to keep him out of the loop as to my plans for the future. In fact the man is so damn arrogant that he believes he knows it all. I have been classified as a dole bludging single mum who is making no attempt to get a job. Well NO, I haven't made an attempt! And NO, I don't want a job! I want a carreer! I want to be doing something I am called to do, not just something to pay the bills. Trust me, it would be so much easier to just get another job in hospitality. Steady income and bills paid on time, but easy is not really an option at the moment. I will no doubt struggle through the next three years, but if I make it, it will be worth it in the end. So next month I sit the STAT test (Special Tertiary Admissions Test) and my whole future will be decided in the space of two hours by those 70 random questions (and having sat the practice test a few weeks ago, I can tell you, they are random) I am lucky enough to be able to sit the test early as they are having a special sitting down here or I would be cooling my heels til early Jan to see if I can even get in. It has been hard enough for me to wait this long, nothing ever moves fast enough for me! So if I pass it will be nearly 12 months from when I made the decision til the start of the course. So for now I am putting up with the shitty little comments and biting my tongue, in the knowledge that one day the ex will have to retract his words(dream on sister)! Actually I am comforting myself with the knowledge that I have a goal to improve my life and that the plan is coming together splendidly. So here's to the future! I will make it!

That Feeling Inside

There are times when I think I must be crazy. I am sitting here writing my first post on the doormat, with a cigarette in one hand and my laptop on my knee, analyzing why I really want to do this. Nursing is not a quick easy option, with three years of uni ahead and the prospect of living and supporting my 6 year old son on a pension I want to make sure that this is what I really want, so although the decision has been made, I have been doing a lot of soul searching. I've read books and blogs, spoken to other nurses and generally tried to paint the bleakest picture of the profession in my mind in order to figure out my motivation, but none of that really seems to be getting me anywhere. Basically I want to be a nurse because I've always wanted to be a nurse. You would have received the same answer from me at the age of 6. The dream became, in my mind, unachievable due to my educational shortcomings (not all of my own making either) and was given up on at the age of about 18, but now at the age of 36 I am reviving the dream. So just as I have come to the realization that I don't need to have 10 reasons listed in bullet form to follow a dream, a funny thing happened, as funny things tend to in my life. I believe greatly in synchronicity. I will be pondering something or questioning myself and then something will happen or someone will pop into my day with exactly the right words and there is my answer. Sometimes these things are quite obscure but sometimes they are blatant. Well tonight was one of those laugh out loud blatant reminders. There are several things that really get my heart pounding, ambulances have always been one, but the most recent addition is what my son calls 'the rescue helicopter' and I just call 'that damn chopper'. It is not something we see all that often here but it comes to airlift those who are in need of services our small country hospital cannot provide when those services are needed in a hurry. When it comes in at night that dull chopper thudding seems to reverberate through me before I can actually hear it. So here I am sitting on the doorstep with the laptop on my knee pondering the big question, WHY, when right on queue I hear that noise way off in the distance and as it flys over to land at the airport I have my answer. Because of that feeling inside! I may never be able to explain that feeling, but it is the one that causes me to do things for others without thinking. That need to help. Do I need a better reason? It's just who I am.